Flannel Mammal - 05/06/10

When a man sees something beautiful, it inspires him to grow a monument on his face.

— Jim Hatzopolous

My good friend Jim said this to me the summer after freshman year of college when I had grown my first full beard. At the time, I had no idea what it was that had inspired me to grow my monument.

I later realized that the beauty of my friendships from high school and how intact they had stayed through our transition into college had been my inspiration. Since then I have grown beards inspired by beautiful women, other beards and Yellowstone National Park.

I preface the final flannel mammal column with this anecdote largely because I want to emphasize how important beards are to me and how I view them as completely devoid of irony. That said, they also look awesome. Man’s ability to grow a beard gives him an infinite number of stylistic possibilities.

There is the full natural beard, sideburns, goatees and the ever unsubtle moustache. There’s an endless variety of ways to complement each of these styles. But when it comes to facial hair, it’s important to make sure that the look properly accents it.

For the full beard, the staple is the flannel. Nothing extenuates the grizzled, rustic charm of a full beard like a nice thick lumberjack flannel. The full natural beard punctuated by a solid flannel echoes Hoover’s idea of rugged individualism and a girth of masculinity.

Contrary to the last edition of Flannel Mammal, in my experience, shorts do not go so well with a full beard. Something about pasty white thighs clashes with a bushy jungle growing from a man’s cheeks.

Sideburns are trickier. Named after the civil war general Ambrose Burnside, sideburns always end up being either absolutely fabulous, or tragically underwhelming. The best way to wear sideburns is with a full connection into the mustache. Successful sideburns must be carefully groomed and rigorously maintained.

I can’t say that I have seen any outstanding sideburns on campus as of late, but I’m sure that they would look fantastic with one of those new WRMC tank tops.

The moustache is one of the most aggressive and satisfying facial hairstyles. The College has seen some fantastic moustaches in the past few years. If a man is to pursue the growth of a moustache, he must appropriately support it with an equally brave wardrobe.

The sweater vest moustache combination is unstoppable. Equipped with a glass of red wine, pair of subtle spectacles, and a charming smile, the moustache sweater vest combination is guaranteed to break hearts.

However, we cannot forget our good friends who are unable to grow beards. I have one suggestion for such men. Focus on the beauty in your life, and channel that magical splendor into the hair follicles on your face. Patience and beauty are the keys to a successful beard.

Above all, it is important to remember what my good friend Jim said of the beard. It is a monument — a tribute — to the most precious and beautiful things in life. When making a decision on what outfit to wear in conjunction with a beard, simply wear whatever will act as a pedestal to your monument.