In My Humble Opinion Passion of the celebrity

Author: Daniel Roberts

Do you remember this past summer when Mel Gibson was arrested for drunk driving? According to the arrest report, he told the officer, "I'm not going to get in your car. I own Malibu." In addition, after seeing that Deputy James Mee looked Jewish, he told him, "F*****g Jews. The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world." Then Gibson noticed a female sheriff and asked, "What do you think you're looking at, sugar tits?" Do you remember all this?

Undoubtedly, you do remember, because the story reached all corners of our beloved United States of Celebrity. Our culture treats celebrities with a sense of awe that, in my not-so-humble opinion, is utterly ridiculous.

Gibson offered these utterances during the peak of the Israel-Lebanon conflict now known as the July War. Still, the next day's top news story featured Gibson and his DUI. Clearly the public cares more about the "riveting" exploits of actors than the "boring" deaths of civilians somewhere far away from us.

Has everyone forgotten that celebrities were normal, unimportant people until they were "discovered?" They grew up, played with Legos and may have eaten glue or stuck erases up their noses. They are not gods.

Kevin Federline was some trashy backup dancer until he married Britney Spears. Now he is a trashy millionaire. Avril Lavigne spits at a cameraman on her birthday. Then I have to read about it. Alec Baldwin and Sean Penn announce that they oppose the war in Iraq, and everyone is expected to care. Guess what?

My mom opposes the war too, but she doesn't get to say it on television.

I would like to write for a major magazine one day. Yet even if I find great success, I will never reach the level of fame that Johnny Knoxville achieved by being that guy on Jackass who strapped electrodes to his balls and crashed shopping carts into walls. Plus, I will never forget that Matt LeBlanc, who went to Newton North High School right near my house, was paid one million dollars per episode to act lovably stupid on Friends. Unfathomable.

There is a problem with this picture. In 2005, actor Robert Blake was found guilty, err I mean, not guilty in a trial over the murder of his wife. His trial was the top news story for months. Despite the final verdict, a stuntman swears that Blake offered to pay for his wife to be murdered. Hmmm.

My point here is not only to slam Mel Gibson - although it is fun to do - but to slam all celebrities. My point is to encourage you not to buy Kevin Federline's new album, because he has no talent and should not be famous.

Upon being pulled over, Gibson kept muttering, "I am so f****d." Yet I would argue that Mel is in less trouble than he thinks. I bet this, like so many other scandals, will simply blow over.

Most of you will disagree, because you want to believe that his anti-Semitic and sexist remarks will ruin his career. Wrong. Yes, he should be run out of Hollywood for the slurs he made. However, he will not be. His publicist claims he will be fully recovered, remorseful and has been "reaching out to local Jewish community leaders to find the appropriate path for healing." This crap will allow his incident to fade into distant memory and enable him to put out a new movie in a year or two - possibly another chick flick once he realizes that "What Women Want" was his best film. Whatever he puts out, I will not see it. Will it be a big hit? Probably. Because he is a popular actor and, more importantly, he is attractive.

Drunk words are sober thoughts. But Mel's fans don't care. What they do care about is how "hot" Mel was in "The Patriot."

So be sure not to get angry if you see me at a party and I say something about hating squirrels - that will be the alcohol talking. Besides, if I do offend anyone with my anti-squirrel comments I can just meet with local leaders of the rodent community and smooth it all out.