Liebowitzing

My dream is to find a career where I can be a hybrid of Tina Fey, Jon Stewart and Sam Seaborn. So far, I am found wanting in embodying the characteristics of all my role models. My shortcomings thus far haven’t caused my enthusiasm to wane, and I continue to prove my worth by studying my heroes in their native habitats. This academic endeavor involves a rigorous diet of The Daily Show, The West Wing and 30 Rock. Useful secondary sources I have found are Saturday Night Live episodes from the nineties, C-SPAN and FDR’s first inaugural address. The Oct. 22 episode of 30 Rock was especially helpful in providing guidance on how I can achieve the laundry list of goals I have for the rest of the semester and beyond. I just need to do some serious Reaganing.

“To Reagan,” as defined by the Oxford English Dictionary, is to have a 24-hour period in which you solve every problem that comes your way with efficiency and creative flair. I’m not sure I agree with the etymology, seeing as our 40th president presided over the Iran-Contra scandal and co-starred in a movie with a chimpanzee. I say we popularize a regional derivative of this expression, in order to inspire all members of the Middlebury College to be a little more type A and obsessively perfectionist the rest of the semester. Middlebury, it is time for us to engage in intense Liebowitzing.

President of the College Ronald D. Liebowitz was a perfect model of the verb that I have decided should share his name yesterday during his office hours. I’m guessing he solved the problems of 12 students, changed the lives of five first-years and probably gave at least two hugs.

How do you know if you can claim that you are Liebowitzing? I have provided a handy guide below — if you manage to accomplish every item on this list, in the space of 24 hours, Congratulations. You have joined the elite group of people who have Liebowitzed, which is currently limited to three people: Tim Spears, Bob Jansen and Vincent A. Jones.

Save seven people: I figure the average Middlebury student, involved heavily in three extra-curricular activities and caring deeply about the fate of humanity and the environment, probably saves two to three people a day. Got to step up your game in a day of Liebowitzing.
Get to the dining hall early enough to eat pumpkin bread: One of life’s little pleasures. And oh so tasty. Nom nom.

Say something witty to your Proctor crush: I know it’s hard to think of something intelligent to say when you’re standing over pesto made from cabbage, but when you do, it is truly magical.

Complete the crosswords from The Boston Globe, USA Today and The Middlebury Campus in the dining hall: Even Liebowitz himself couldn’t get to the dining hall at the exact time necessary to snag a New York Times, so you’ll have to be content with defeating three of the four newspapers.

PWN Discussion: Extra points if you don’t use the words dialectic, globalization or the Oedipus complex.

Never wait to cross the road: Not actually that exciting. Stopping traffic in Middlebury doesn’t mean you are Chuck Norris. It just proves that people in Vermont are way too nice.

Solve world hunger: Or at least alleviate the hunger of everyone waiting in line at Ross during lunchtime by acting as a traffic cop. The minority who just want spaghetti do not want to wait in line behind the mountains of people waiting for burgers.

Find $5 on the sidewalk: Don’t spend it on a Love Me Tender though. Donate it to the Middlebury Initiative. That’s what Liebowitz would do.