Middlebury's dirty laundry secret

Author: Tory Watts

Thank God for Saturday night, or I would easily be able to cite last Saturday, due to my horrific laundry experience, as one of the worst days I've ever spent at Middlebury. Never again will I participate in the debilitated, corrupt, inadequate system of clothes-washing at this college. Forget the gas crisis, forget the time constraints - I have now officially converted to the cult of those who drive into town to do their laundry.

My first issue with the laundry scheme is the card itself. While I am all for computers, cell phones and the internet, there are moments in life when technology unnecessarily complicates matters. My dad has never learned to operate the satellite radio in his car, my mother couldn't google something to save her life and I will never attain proficiency in my interactions with the laundry card machines. As my father declares, "Back to the days of the transistor!" and my mother lugs out her encyclopedia, I join them in demanding the reinstatement of the coin-slots on the laundry machines. Laundry cards can get lost, they can malfunction and they cost $2. Quarters are in abundant supply, they don't need to be scanned and their cost and value are identical.

The second problem with the cards is that they don't actually function. In an effort to use machine #7 on Saturday, the card reader wouldn't accept my input. In response to its question "Machine ##," I answered 7 and pressed start. Nothing. Nada. Zip. I tried again with 07, thinking that it wanted two digits to match its inquiry of "##." But 07 was also rejected as an invalid entry. Later that afternoon, a bedraggled mother doing her child's laundry (lucky dog) on Parents' Weekend begged me for details on how to make machine #7 obey her commands. I could only offer my dismay at the machine's ongoing boycott. We momentarily wallowed in our shared exasperation and she moved on to another machine, dragging her child's affairs from one ancient washer to the next.

I regret to say that my machine #7 woes were nothing next to my second attempt at washing my clothes. I moved down to machine #11 in hopes that a double-digit washer would resolve my difficulties. Alas, machine #11 wanted only $1.25. It provided no washing in return, only a cruel deduction of one precious load from my card. Only with God's grace did I find a machine that washed my items. I battled the card machine again for them to be dried and was again disappointed at a laundry basket full of damp articles of clothing. The dryer and the card machine work together in their ploy to make unsuspecting students believe that they actually work. I'll let you in on their secret - they don't.

So forget the costs - gas, time and money - of driving into town. Forget the fact that Middlebury claims that you can do your laundry here, because you can't. Our campus does not have laundry facilities. The metal boxes and new-fangled card machines that are lumped together in the basements of a few buildings around campus will neither wash nor dry your clothes for you.

I don't wish you better success with your load, because in a system as devoid of efficiency as this one, success isn't an option. A change of battle tactics is your only choice - run for Desabrais Laundry. Actual laundry facilities will be waiting.