My four scents

Coincidentally, several friends of mine have gone into the perfumery business.  They all just developed new scents and are in the process of marketing them.  I mentioned that they might take out an advertisement in the Campus, but they didn’t want to pay top dollar for a spot.  Instead, they convinced me to run their product descriptions through my column, sort of like a freebie.

To learn more about any of these fragrances, or to request a press packet, please contact do_not_reply@aol.com.



“Perception”

Just say the word aloud and let it ring in your ears, slide off the tip of your tongue: Perception. Why? It’s sophisticated: not shallow or tacky, insubstantial or trite. It hints at something beneath the surface, something that endures but is not old and does not smell like mothballs. But there is a deceptively sexual air to the word: the hiss of the “c”-sound in Perception, the snap of that second “p”. Perception. It makes girls cry, but it also makes them interested, makes them want to know more — makes them intrigued and mystified. Dare I say: It makes girls intrystified.

“Charity”

It is pronounced with a very soft “Ch”, the “arity” slowly rolling along afterwards. It is named after a darling of a lady of the night — God bless her soul — who was willing to give her body not just for money, but for a smile, to men of all ages. The idea is that the word charity, along with the actual fragrance, will put women, ladies, girls, etc., in the giving mood. They will hear “Charity” and feel safe and wholesome. They will then have the desire to give themselves to a man, only asking for a smile or acknowledgement in return. It’s a flawless name of a fragrance. It might even usurp the dog’s claim as “man’s best friend.”
Unfortunately, I am having trouble getting the product FDA approved. So if you could ask all of your friends to join my facebook group (Charity, what the world needs) I, along with every man, will be grateful.

“Yankee-Doodle”

Yankee-Doodle is a paradoxically intoxicating man’s cologne. It is sexy yet casual. Clean yet complex. Brisk, yet inviting. Its incongruence stems from an intriguing blend of scents such as bergamot, lavendar-grass, sandalwood, Polish sausage, lime-oil and celery juice.  One catches sly hints of mandarin cedar wood and full notes of beans. From this ingenious layering of disparate aromas, Yankee-Doodle comes across as a delightfully visceral fragrance. Any true man looking for a cologne with the ironic ability to be both sophisticated and relaxed will find this cologne a more than viable option. Its bottle is seductive and sleek. Press your finger deep into its hole and the atomized liquid kisses your neck softly, or wherever else you might choose to spray. One squirt for work. Two for play.

“Quiver”

I think the sexual charge that “quiver” contains is obvious, but truss’ me, there’s more than meets the eye. Do you recall the scent as you pressed your nose deep in the middle of your father’s old hunting saddle?  Do you recall the smell of elk meat pickling in the sod lodge?  Do you recall the aroma of dusty marigolds, folded in between the pages of a diary found in a stranger’s beside drawer?  Yes, and they are potent in my “Quiver.”  “Quiver” is a surreptitious and mature scent.  This is certainly NOT the cologne either of your stuffy dads would have worn. “Quiver” sets every nerve ending alight with anticipation of conquests to come and sense-memory of victories past. It’s sexual, but knowing, and strong.  This cologne, like the very arrows that are in lodged in Cupid’s “quiver” will drive any man, woman and most marine mammals into the most fevered of love-making.

FDA approval still pending due to the high quantities of flunitrazepam present in the cologne, but my lobbyists in D.C. assure me that with the new balance of power “quiver” should be on the shelves in time for Christmas.

Turn off all of the lights in the New Meadowlands stadium if you have any questions.