In the New Yorker last week, there was a great “Shouts & Murmurs” titled the “Wisdom of Children.” There were three segments that described certain seminal moments of everyday life through the innocent eyes of children. For example, “A Conversation at the Grownup Table, as Imagined at the Kid’s Table” featured a Mom who said “Pass the wine please, I want to become crazy,” and “I’m angry! I’m angry all of a sudden!” to which the Dad responds, “I’m angry too! We’re angry at each other!” If life at the big kids table were actually this entertaining, I would always get really excited about family dinner parties. There is also a segment about how college kids envision the United States government, which seems heavily influenced by the West Wing and Schoolhouse Rock.
This was one of the best things I have read in a long time, and I felt that this format needed to be borrowed and used in a Middlebury context. Hence, “The Wisdom of Children: Middlebury Edition.” Maybe David Remnick will see this and realize my potential. That would be nice.
I. The Bunker, as Subtitled by Fifth Graders
First-year 1: Oh wow, they are playing my favorite song from Glee.
First-year 2: Laugh out loud. Let’s dance crazy!
First-year 1: Ok! Gosh, look at that boy he looks like Robert Pattinson.
First-year 2: You are right. Laugh out loud. Oh em gee. He is coming over here.
First-year 1: Oh em gee.
Senior: Hey I am a vampire.
First-year 1: Oh em gee. I love you.
Senior: Just kidding.
First-year 1: Oh. I don’t like real boys. They have cooties.
Senior: I was double just kidding.
First-year 1: Oh em gee. I love vampires. They are my favorite.
Senior: Super Smash Brothers is my favorite, but I like girls after I drink crazy juice.
First-year 1: Let’s dance sandwich.
II. Old Chapel Meetings, as Imagined by College Kids.
Liebowitz: What is on the agenda for today?
Spears: The students are not complaining enough. We must find something to take away.
Biette: What else can we take away? We have taken away their bowls. We have taken away their juice. We have taken away Atwater. What else could they possibly care about?
Liebowitz: They must care about more than food Matthew.
Biette: No. If we take away their food, we take away their spirit.
Collado: No. They also care about parties.
Igor: Ah yes, the parties! Take away the parties and they have nothing!
Daniere: Yes! The parties! We must squelch them!
Liebowitz: We cannot do this haphazardly. We need a strategic plan.
Igor: Yes, a plan.
Spears: We should enlist the help of our puppets.
Collado: The SGA and the Campus?
Spears: Yes. They have never let us down.
Liebowitz: We should have Riley pass a bill creating a nine o’clock curfew for Friday and Saturday.
Igor: Yes!
Liebowitz: And the Campus must write an editorial about the evils of partying, College Shorts about awful partying at other schools and an especially unpleasant Public Safety Log.
Boudah: I will make sure Officer Chris is particularly nasty with citations this weekend.
Liebowitz: Perfect.
Spears: Once again, we will show the students who is boss.
All: Liebowitz is boss!
Liebowitz: No. We are all boss. We all have the power to make the students unhappy. That is what we are here to do.
