The 24-Hour Play Festival, which began at 8:00 on Saturday and ended with performances at 8:00 and 10:00 on Sunday, was a definite highlight of this week. Full disclosure: I acted in the festival, playing an unemployed and promiscuous Princess Belle. It was mad fun, and I got to say, “I did it with the Beast on the teacup ride.” Saying something along those lines has been my dream ever since I was five. In the spirit of such a successful outpour of creativity, I have decided to write an extremely short play for my column this week. Although it doesn’t feature a mysterious Communist, Aladdin, a snake or an Awkward BJ (Bachelor Jestee), I do rely on cheap Middlebury jokes to make you laugh, which is all you really expect from me anyway.
Love Me Tender
Scene opens at the Grille. It is a Monday, around 11 p.m. A young man sits alone in a booth, nursing a large Mountain Dew and picking away at a half-eaten Love Me Tender. He stares off into the distance, his mind obviously occupied by very important things. This is an unnecessary thing to note, because Middlebury students think of nothing but important things, like saving the world and constantly translating their thoughts into different languages, just because they can. He takes a gulp of the Mountain Dew, and begins to speak in iambic pentameter (Sometimes…).
Nick Jansen: My name is infamous, my name brings cheers
There’s no debate I’m the best of my peers.
Take a straw poll of all the desks in class,
“Nick Jansen,” they say, “kicks everyone’s ass!”
At Middlebury, despite my great fame.
It’s nigh impossible to snag a dame.
The Bunker on Friday, After, Batell,
Even first-years don’t fall under my spell.
Romance woes, is there no panacea?
Is there love out there not wrapped in tortilla?
Nick Jansen looks down at his Love Me Tender, completely beaten. Meanwhile, Tim Spears, Jyoti Daniere and Dr. Peluso slide into his booth.
Tim Spears: Nick Jansen there is no need to despair
At Midd, passion can be found everywhere!
Your Proctor crush and that babe in Orgo,
Even that girl you spotted in Chateau!
We three are here to make your life easy
We’ve solutions without a bun, but still quite cheesy.
Dr. Peluso: By day I’m no mender of broken hearts,
Merely a physician of liberal arts
By night, I’m not Batman, or Robin Hood,
But now you can call me Dr. Feelgood!
No medication for your lovesick heart
Can I prescribe,
But Jyoti can give your romance a head start.
Jyoti Daniere: Your problem is not a lack of selection
Instead the tactics you’ve chosen to find affection
You’re dumb to think love comes from one night stands
Dating’s the answer and holding of hands.
Nick, you should count yourself lucky tonight.
Let’s Talk About Sex Month, love will ignite!
“Take Me drunk, I’m home: Hook-up Culture at Midd”
A panel showing why fetes ought be forbid.
For you, the key to finding love and fame,
The Find Me Someone to Love Dating Game!
Bring double-entendres and your fiery wit
We’ll get you a girlfriend lickety-split!
Scene changes. Nick Jansen is lying in his bed in LaForce, slowly waking up.
Nick Jansen: I should’ve known a dream was my luck
at finding a date,
On Mondays the Grille’s never open past eight!
Shakespeare in the Dark
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