Shenanigans Stuff Midd students like

Author: Alex Garlick

In the spirit of the brilliant "Stuff White People Like" blog, I'd like to provide a guide for any outsiders that encounter Middlebury people.

1. John McCardell - McCardell is not just liked - he is loved, nearly four years since his assumption of "Emeritus." In terms of notable figures from the 1990s, it goes Bill Clinton, Nelson Mandela, Michael Jordan and John McCardell.

2. Not caring about the U.S.News Rankings - The best item on the Middlebury Web site is an annual variation of "Middlebury moves up three spots, not that we give a flying f---."

3. An Advisor - A professor is just a professor, unless at some point during sophomore year he or she is elevated to advisor, which is a rank above spiritual mentor but below guru.

4. Hiking Boots - This especially applies to tenured professors. Middlebury people need to be prepared at all times if there is a blizzard on the way to Bicentennial Hall or an impromptu hike up Snake Mountain breaks out.

5. Abbreviations - Bi-Hall, WAGS, Proc. Middlebury people are much more comfortable with abbrevs.

6. Proof that you play for an Athletic Department-sanctioned team - All that is required is a pair of sweats that list your clothing size and the year it was first issued and maybe an oversized ice pack that is affixed with saran wrap. It helps if you don't show up at Atwater until 10 minutes before closing time.

7. Study Abroad - This is number 72 on the original blog, but Middlebury people freaking love study abroad. The new being on-campus is being off-campus. Study abroad is the closest way for Middlebury people to get closer to God or total enlightenment.

8. Not going to Dartmouth - If ever stuck in an uncomfortable discussion with Middlebury people about college admission or SAT scores, use the following phrase - "Getting deferred (or rejected) at Dartmouth was the best thing to ever happen to me." Nodding and a discussion of the pratfalls of Greek life will ensue.

9. Complaining about the administration hampering social life - That's right, it is Liebowitz's fault that no one can - insert: get hammered, get laid, have fun, or socially climb - anymore.

11. Taking a year off - It doesn't matter if you do it before or after college, taking a year off makes you a better person. A year off plus studying abroad - number seven - will get Middlebury people laid, regardless of what Liebowitz does.

10. Dropping Pre-Med - Middlebury people realize that the world already has plenty of doctors, and that they don't want to spend this entire decade in med school. However, a year off could remedy this situation.

12. Carhartts - There is no social situation in which it is inappropriate for Middlebury people to wear Carhartts. A nice black pair would do well for both weddings and funerals.

13. Raising Awareness - This is a biggie. If you want to have a true impact in this world, raise the awareness of people who already pay $50,000 annually to learn about the world. Climate change and the UN Millennium Development goals are good places to start.

14. Nalgenes - Middlebury people who do not use Nalgenes support global warming and may have stock in Exxon Mobil. It's preferable for Middlebury people to decorate their Nalgenes with stickers proving that they took a year off and/or studied abroad. The only acceptable alternative is a metal bottle with a screw top, which is like driving a Prius.

15. Dropping IP&E - The IP&E program is like making out at McCullough - many Middlebury people start there, but it's not where anyone ends up.

16. Dispatch - The only thing that would have made them better is if John McCardell had been on percussion.

Finally, if you're ever in distress around Middlebury people, discuss your love for Barack Obama.

Alex Garlick is '08.5 is a Political Science and Economics major from Needham, Mass.