Standard Deviations

Trying SM for the first time is a lot like visiting the parents of your significant other for the first time—probably awkward, possibly painful, and with a decent chance that you’ll be spending a lot of time on your knees.  Often seen as the province of those unusually into leather, latex, and improperly-used cooking products, SM (short for Sadomasochism) is actually not the accessories often associated with it or even, necessarily, with the infliction of pain.  At its heart, SM is nothing more or less than a negotiated—and usually sexual—encounter where the boundaries of power are clearly defined.

Depending on the point of view, this is both more and less scary than simply being tied to a bed and spanked—while there might be powerplay, far more important is the ability to believe in it.  Properly engaging in an SM “scene” requires a level of trust and knowledge of your partner that is often beyond the land of one-night-stands (it should probably go without saying that, like accepting candy or car rides, one should probably not consent to being tied up by a stranger).  It also requires frank and open conversation regarding what you’re going to do, and what you’re okay with doing (and having done to you) before you actually go and do it.

Introducing the idea of power and control into the bedroom is certainly fraught with anxiety, especially for those unaccustomed to such clear definitions.  As Spiderman says, “With great power comes great responsibility”—so all SM should be conducted with those whom you trust, and who are certainly sober enough to recognize the distinctions between pain (stimulating the nerve endings) and harm (causing actual damage—a common rule of thumb is “anything requiring medical attention”).  This goes for both the dominant (the one who assumes control) and the submissive (the one who gives control).

And a note for both—a submissive “gives” control, not “gives up”.  One of the allures of SM is that it’s theatrical—bindings need not be so strong as to restrain a convict, but only strong enough to provide the illusion of confinement (so, rather like OJ Simpson’s first trial).  Hence, the presence of “safewords”—words which, in the context of a scene, are out of place, and that, when said, signal the absolute-yes-I-mean-it stop of play.  A poor safeword: “Ouch”.  A good safeword: “OJ Simpson”.  A great set of safewords for people who are curious about trying SM with their partners: “Green”, “Yellow”, “Red”.  “Green” for “Yes seriously I really like this don’t mind my cries”, “Yellow” for “Please tread with caution, I’m close to my limit” and “Red” for “No really.  I’ve had enough.”  Safewords are holy writ when it comes to SM—so much so that even the implication that they might not be obeyed is grounds for never seeing someone again.  They’re the clear line between consent and rape.

The astute reader (or hell, just anyone skimming this looking for the juicy parts) might have noticed by now that I haven’t actually mentioned any specific activities associated with SM.  Partially, it’s that describing all of the various different possibilities would really be beyond the scope of this column (though if you would like specific ones elaborated on, feel free to email and I’ll consider it).  But also, it’s that I tend to think of SM as less of “activities performed”, and more of atmosphere.  Power relations exist in the bedroom regardless of whether or not they’re considered “SM”—few sex acts are entirely egalitarian.  To be spanked with a safeword isn’t much different than deciding who’s going to be on top—the only difference is the attitude and angle in which you approach it.  Like acting, SM can be used to discover things about yourself by assuming the role of someone else—like acting, it may not be for you.  But who’s to say the road to self-discovery isn’t paved with leather?