Strategic plan for Midd

Author: Lucas Kavner

Recently obtained copy of the Actual "Strategic Plan" for Middlebury College.

Written By: Robots

Aim Number One: Build more buildings. Disregard the fact that many of the facilities, such as Proctor and WRMC's (which were recently technologically updated and painted by the students themselves) simply need improvements to be more accessible. Rather than improve such buildings, we must simply knock them down and build other buildings in other locations around campus. Let us not listen to the students who cry out "Proctor! Proctor is my life! It's the one dining hall where you can actually hear people sitting across the table from you clearly speaking! Please don't tear it down." Let us rather be vague and steadfast in all of our plans. Additionally, the new buildings should look like cement boxes and have harsh fluorescent lighting.

Aim Number Two: No more Parking. It has been determined that students who happen to have cars on campus and wish to remove themselves every once in a while from the bubble that is Middlebury by driving away from the aforementioned bubble must be given parking tickets at all times. The rules for parking will be very strange and hard to deal with, especially for those that live off campus and have about 15 campus parking spots to choose from. Rather than cars, we suggest you get off your ass and walk to school from wherever you happen to live. This way, you will avoid that obnoxious ten dollar fine. You will also grow some guts, you pansies.

Aim Number Three: Reduce the number of students admitted in February. By reducing the numbers admitted, it will be ten times more fun for Febs to merge with the hundreds of September admitted students. By bringing the Feb class down to sixty and making it entirely voluntary, the Feb program becomes much less insulated and easier to deal with. Those Febs are sure to branch out and not simply hang out with one another because, as everybody knows, reducing the number of people in a group makes it easier to become part of the mainstream. It's just logistics! Also, the reduction in number of the incoming Feb class will surely make picking classes and dealing with Banner Web substantially less hassle.

Aim Number Four: Make the Commons more…uh…We still have no idea what exactly commons are supposed to do and, frankly, our software can't seem to comprehend that what most students care about is living with their friends and having nice senior housing. We've tried Fondue Friday and another commons had a Foam Party…we simply don't know what else to do to make this work. We give up. But we will leave the program completely intact and unchanged while we give no indication of how well it's actually working.

Aim Number Five: Nalgenes. We will give you more Nalgenes. You guys love those things.