The Cranky Socialist Ballot initiatives are the key to democracy

Author: Adam Clayton

I picked up my California absentee ballot the other day, and as a second time voter re-enforced a habit I hope to extend for the rest of my life, turning my gaze immediately towards the back of the ballot. This gives me the greatest hope at socializing the world I live in, and while I ponder for a few seconds on whether to vote conservatively and pick a democratic president, the state funding initiatives are where I take the most pleasure. I read and re-read the short description on developing a high speed rail network through southern California, even though I live in northern California, rubbing my eyes at the enormous numbers popping off the page. Nearly two billion dollars for something I will never see or use? Why not, I always liked travelling on trains in England, and I feel sorry for Americans who have only ever seen them on television. Should I force my neighbors to pay another two billion dollars to reform the criminal system? Sure, after all, according to television and Hollywood ninety percent of Englishmen in America are criminal masterminds, and they probably don't have dual citizenship like me, so I might as well represent the unrepresented.

Big infrastructure and massive social welfare projects arouse my hidden political fantasies, and this is a good way to anonymously support them, while cost-saving initiatives are boring and backward.

Interestingly enough, two of the most important measures being considered across the country are on my ballot, but unfortunately do not involve massive government expenditure. The first one concerns farm animals, and requires that calves raised for veal, egg-laying hens and pregnant pigs be confined only in ways that allow these animals to lie down, stand up, fully extend their limbs and turn around freely. Given this only costs a few million of state expenditure, I wasn't too excited, but it was saddening. In fact, it was SHOCKING. Is it that hard to put animals in cages large enough so they can stretch out and turn around? What if they got itchy, or wanted to look in another direction at the endless cages and pens that make up their known universe?

Unfortunately, this will be a heated measure, because as soon as pigs realize that pregnancy gives them rights to lie down and stand up, young promiscuous pigs will surely start running around looking for anything to impregnate it, possibly even different animals, and conservatives have been trying for decades to suppress this liberal immoral practice. On second thought, if they can't even turn around, there's not much risk of them running around hopped up on hope and hormones. Perhaps if we cooped up teenage girls in small cages conservatives would be a little happier.

A second massively important ballot measure is number eight, which eliminates the right of same-sex couples to marry. It's rare to see conservative ballot propositions these days, because they usually fail to qualify. It doesn't help when you insist on including God created all life on a proposal to make abortion illegal. I would most certainly support this issue if the state financed elaborate honeymoons and lavish wedding ceremonies for gay couples, but instead I'll just have to support it luke-warmly. If this holds, I can solve all those awkward bar conversations around where I live in San Francisco by simply saying I'm married, and not sacrifice the free drinks I had been enjoying.

Now is the time of year when you can decide how the hundreds of tax dollars you contributed through cigarettes or the state lottery are spent and, even if you draw different conclusions to me, work together to make government bigger and better. So remember when you cast your ballot this November that voting for Obama is only one way to make this country better, and don't forget to turn the page.