The universe according to John

The more I learn, the more I learn that I have learned very little. Bertrand Russell said of this inverse relationship: “those who feel certainty are stupid, and those with any imagination and understanding are filled with doubt and indecision.” I like to use this quote. It lends credence to my perception of my self, which is that I am very smart because I am very doubtful and indecisive.

But I’m not just doubtful of the practical things like where Laos is on the map, or who the 19th president was — you know, sporcle stuff — I’m doubtful about very basic things. A good starter question is: “do I exist?” Although, what I’ve found is that one question leads to another which leads to a road of confusion which becomes a highway which leads to a bridge, which is out. A big ****ing black hole is in its place. A perpetual Criss Angel Mind-Freak. I want some damned answers, now! So I’m taking a philosophy class for the first time. And I think I get it. I think I’m not a brain in a vat, but also that I can’t really ever be sure. I’m confused. There’s no answer?? I take offense. I’m much more than vat-brain. I exist, dammit!

Mmmm. Actually I’m a little uncertain. I desire a philosophy essay that’s entirety could consist of a header and the following text: “I’m a little uncertain,” and receive a passing grade. Or, if there were a multiple choice quiz, whose d) was “cannot be sure.” I would do well.

So in my free time I devised a list of possibilities for the universe around us, and other general theories:

1. Vat-brain.
2. Matrix.
3. In the primordial past, life forces brought the material world into existence for their own pleasures. The universe exists because we agree that it does. And for humans, humans are the incarnations of these individualized expressions of the cosmic source, I call these things thetans. Cash contributions lead to enlightenment.
4. If ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
5. This has already happened.
6. There’s a man who lives in outerspace. He created us in his image — a bit egotistical if I might say so. Unless he was lonely, in which case, I think it understandable. If I were alone, and possessed such a power, I might do the same and create more humans like myself. So, a lonely God created us in his image. Does this make humans generally lonely? Long story short, he is your answer to everything. We know this because reliable celibate men speak to him and relate what he seems to want.
6b. Wait, but who created God? More lonely men?
7. Nothing exists. Consider its implications. They don’t exist.
8. We are stuck in the game of Jumanji in a creaky attic. Please send curious children … you know, because ... Nevermind.
9. Our universe exists on a thin slice of prosciutto, which exists on top of mozzarella, which exists on top of basil, which exists on top of a tomato slice which exists on a slice of foccaccia bread, which has been drizzled in olive oil.
10. Hunger is our only perception of truth.
11. String theory
12. Rope theory
13. Yarn theory
14. The universe is divisible into a nearly infinite amount of bad puns. These puns are the roots of self-loathing.
15. Our universe is one atom within a collection of universe-atoms which composes a decorative floral display in a foreclosed apartment put up for resale. They were bought from Jerome’s Florist on 96th and Madison. Jerome is God.
16. We are in a TV show. It has a poor cast.
17. I am dreaming, and when I sleep I am alive, and I am popular and strong.
18. The dollar is God. Pennies are Satan. They fell from heaven.
19. Free-will does not exist. This can be proven by the inevitability of puns.
20. Harry Potter or Avatar
21. Any other movie plot I forgot.

Consider these. I have.