'To anyone listening' A satire on an administrative e-mail sent out last week

Author: Charles B Tomm '06

I try not to make a habit of publicly commenting on articles I read in the newspaper, but I am afraid I must take issue with this month's edition of Cosmo, in which the editorial staff laid out their picks for spring colors.

I want to make it clear that Middlebury College has been and always will be a fashion savvy campus and members of this community should expect severe action should they violate this long upheld tradition, which rests at the very core of this fabulous institution's values. That is why I want to discourage everyone from thinking, as Cosmopolitan's writers would have you believe, that taupe and magenta are complementary colors.

Due to Cosmopolitan's influence on your generation, I would like to outline the process The Institution follows should someone ignore the basic laws of fashion sense. When the administration learns of a possible violation, clearly outlined procedural steps are immediately taken. First, I leave my perch to personally seek out the facts, like Tom Selleck in Magnum, P.I. or Angela Lansbury in Murder She Wrote. Second, if the violations in question are grave enough to merit ostracism by more fashion conscious Community members, the perpetrator will be removed from the campus until my girlfriend tells me what I should do with said perpetrator. (For future reference, these steps can be found verbatim in the Student Handbook).

There exists a fine line between protecting someone's feelings and sparing the rest of the campus an ill-advised wardrobe decision. While I am perfectly happy with the system in place, I have been told that other, more effective avenues for dealing with such wanton violations exist. Although I am sure you have good ideas as to what those avenues might be, please keep them to yourselves and let me figure this out on my own.

As the College enters March, it is my hope that you will all dress with respect towards each other and treat one another as equals. Anyone who does not know how to do so and wishes to learn may attend one of my workshops. The faculty session will begin at 3:00 and culminate in a delectable five-course meal. The workshop for the staff will start shortly thereafter and end with a yummy all-you-can-eat taco buffet.