Living in Fletcher House, a hotbed of civic involvement, responsibility and general high-mindedness that — by sheer coincidence alone — is home to the Student Co-Chair of the Community Council, the SGA President and numerous members of the SGA Cabinet, I often hear of major changes on campus before they reach the general public. So when word reached me that the campus keg policy was under review, it seemed my logical duty to conduct an investigation and report back to the reading masses.
A review of keg policy, long the bane of my existence, is well overdue. The current rules allow kegs only at registered parties — which require training for party hosts, mandate complete planning earlier in the week, and come with the almost constant presence of Public Safety — making keg use on campus an unpopular alternative to purchasing alcohol in other forms. For some reason, kegs –— containing the same low alcohol-by-volume swill also dispensed in packs of thirty — seem enormously dangerous to those in charge, an almost certain recipe for disaster.
However, I contend that this is not the case. For many reasons, kegs are actually the best solution to solving our campus’ drinking problems. Issues with students drinking too much, too quickly or in private are generally of no consequence. Keg use results in a slower rate of consumption than canned beer, as everyone has to wait for the same source. Additionally, they bring campus drinking culture back out in the open, as it would be ridiculous to imagine kids gathered around some clandestine keg in a dorm room, drinking themselves into oblivion. And kegs also keep kids from taking alcohol with them as they move across campus, because kegs are pretty damn heavy, as anyone can attest who has tried to sneak a keg into a sophomore, junior, or…senior…dorm (sigh).
From my perspective, kegs not only seem safe, they seem highly preferable to parties with canned beer. They encourage people to congregate and drink socially, which presents Public Safety with a few large events to keep track of, instead of worrying about kids making messes of themselves all over campus. And this is not to mention the obvious environmental benefits of reducing our packaging-to-beer ratio, which is really what we’re all about here at Middlebury, anyway. Right?
With all of these things in mind, I was excited to see what changes the Community Council had recommended, and I contacted both co-chairs to get the full report. So I’m sure you can imagine my surprise when I learned that, in fact, no changes were made to the campus policies regarding 1/2 barrel kegs (your conventional party catalyst), and that instead only the policy regarding 1/4 and 1/6 barrel kegs was modified.
The new rules allow “informal gatherings” of 20 to 30 people to take place in senior residences and social houses during weekend afternoons and nights. At these impromptu congregations of like-minded individuals, up to one 1/4 keg may be present, without going through the hassle of party host training or complete party registration. Instead, students must call Public Safety before transporting a keg to campus and give their name and ID number, as well as the serial number on the keg. The new rules also stipulate several preferred monikers for 1/4 and 1/6 barrel kegs, such as “quarter barrel, pony keg, Cornelius keg,” or, for those in the know, a “corney keg.” I’m glad the Community Council was so thorough in their review.
Allow me for a moment to disregard the heavy bureaucratic nomenclature used in the new policy and spell out exactly what these new rules entail. Well, thanks to real vision on the part of Community Council, students over the age of 21 can now purchase kegs containing up to 83 (!!!) beers and share them with 20 to 30 of their friends! Now, I’m no mathematician, but my calculations show that that is 4.15 (!!!) beers per person! Can people even DRINK that much?! And all we have to do is call Public Safety! And let them know that we will be drinking! As long as it is okay with them! And it is the right time of day! And we use the preferred nomenclature! It’s a new day, ladies and gentlemen!
So yes, the keg policy has been reviewed. We can now purchase kegs containing almost as much beer as THREE thirty racks (!!!) whenever we want (within the allowed time frame, that is), and drink them with our friends! Score another one for centralized government! If only Congress were this proactive, healthcare would have already been reformed and we’d all be reaping the rewards of FREE BAND-AIDS! (!!!)
Waters to Wine: The new stand on kegs
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